Rights Group Seeks to Fix Root Cause of Fascism: Steven Miller's 9th Grade Year
SANTA MONICA, CA — In a last-ditch effort to prevent the total collapse of liberal democracy, a coalition of civil rights groups has raised $1.6 million to build a full-scale replica of Santa Monica High School designed to soothe the festering wound that is Stephen Miller’s teenage soul.
“Our research indicates a direct line between the end of habeas corpus and Stephen being picked dead last in dodgeball,” said Claire Montrose of the Brennan Center. “We’ve determined the best plan for fighting fascism in 2026 is a reenacted homecoming where someone actually slow dances with him to “Your Body is a Wonderland?”
The project, code-named Miller Time, will feature painstakingly recreated details from Miller’s high school years combined with a rotating cast of emotionally available girls who inexplicably find him compelling, despite his dead shark eyes and resemblance to an albino penis.
Miller will be escorted through the experience by a licensed therapist disguised as a cool history teacher who repeatedly affirms his worth while gently correcting his understanding of the Treaty of Versailles.
To be clear, this isn’t therapy,” said Montrose. “It’s a tactical re-parenting operation. If we can make 16-year-old Stephen feel something approximating joy, maybe he’ll stop trying to repeal the Enlightenment.”
According to sources, J.D. Vance has reportedly expressed interest in undergoing a similar simulation, one in which his Yale classmates don’t roll their eyes every time he draws breath or inhabits space.